Tags
despair, fears, Film, Finances, frustrations, God, Jesus, Money, The Holy Spirit
“The Lord is nigh unto them that are of a broken heart; and saveth such as be of a contrite spirit.”
–Psalm 34:18 KJV
It was Wednesday, the 12th, and everything seemed normal. Except for anything to do with the production. We were approximately eleven days away from calling action and I couldn’t get a hold of my financier. I had been trying to get the funds to buy the equipment and it was getting too close for comfort. The camera was on backorder and we were going to be required to rent one in the meantime. This I was aware of. But I couldn’t get him to call me. Something was up. At church that evening, Kathy told me in a very firm voice “Tyler, this is not your production! It will be okay!” Her intention being that God had called me to this. He wouldn’t leave me destitute. I agreed. It looked like it was ready to fall apart, but we should believe by faith. Then I got the text the next day. My financier was broke and our film is no longer funded.
I spend much of my time encouraging you to keep pressing ahead and never give up despite circumstances. So now is time for me to, in essence, practice what I preach. It’s been exactly four weeks since that occurrence and the film is far from funded. It’s almost as if when I prayed for the amount God asked me to pray for, the attacks came harder. One member of the film crew who frequently intercedes for the production has claimed illness each time they have prayed so fervently for us. We are clearly being attacked and we should look at it that way. But that’s not always easy.
I live in a small town of about 20,000 people and I know quite a few of them. In June, I will have lived here for 16 years, withholding the five weeks I spent living in Washington DC as an intern in 2011. Everyone in town knows me as the moviemaker. Everywhere I go, I call it a “press tour.” I can’t tell you the last time I was out and about and didn’t answer questions pertaining to the film. It’s part of who I am and the community knows that. The community has slowly accepted this as I have grown and it has become clear that I am not backing down. So in the face of a sudden pitfall, I find myself facing public humiliation as the community has put so much effort into helping me and those doubters are ready to launch into laughter, celebrating my “failure.”
It also makes you question your past, present, and future. God has always shown me the next step in this walk and I was for sure this was it. But why did the money fall through? It’s easy when you have vision for the project and know that it’s better than the last that it will progress you in the right direction. But when something drastic happens, it makes you wonder if you’ll be stuck in the same town forever? All of my life I have dreamed of moving to a big city. Living in Dallas or Los Angeles wasn’t ever too big of a dream. But I’m here because God hasn’t guided me to leave. I’m especially anxious now as I’m almost a year removed from the university, realizing my own vulnerability in the lack of young people in town that share the same stage of life. Those that are my age are married with children. I’ve kept myself optimistic by pointing out that I will very soon be traveling more with my meetings and projects. I fear developing the small town mindset, which includes growing old early and never adventuring far. I love my adventures and I want to keep going on more. I want to go bigger and farther. Just on trips and such. I’ve put off a European dream trip for years, believing I would go and spend a month after the success of my first theatrical run. I’ve put off many trips in the name of saving money for my projects.
Marriage is a beautiful thing and children are a gift from God, but these are not immediate desires of mine. What many consider to be the American Dream is not my dream. Maybe that makes me an American.
I recently took a white collar job with benefits, largely out of fear (again, a continuing motif amidst a film production of the same name). It requires more time and the pay isn’t much better, but I do have benefits. The job is fine, but pales in comparison to what I’m called to do. More frustration. Now news arises that the duplexes my parents own (in which I have been blessed to stay, rent-free) are being considered for sale by them. Rent is high in this town and I definitely don’t want to be tied down to a mortgage. Even worse, my truck isn’t in its’ best shape and questions are there as to how much longer it will survive. I’ve been blessed to travel to Dallas once a month or so and enjoy its’ offerings. But as my finances begin to shrink, what will happen with those?
Scripture says to face your fears with faith, something I hope to convey in the film. But right now, my fears are appearing bigger than my faith. I’m so far in the advancement of my film career, which is wonderful, yet I’m here. To say that I’m frustrated is an understatement. Am I mad at God? No. But I wonder why He let me get this far and let it drop? Am I mad at my former financier? No. It wasn’t his fault, leaving me again in despair and frustration. The very day funding fell through I cast my final cast member. Almost a month later I can honestly say what it is like to go on an endless roller coaster of emotions to despair and back. It isn’t pleasant and it’s hard to pray when you think it’s hopeless. I want you reading this to know that I’m right there with you. That the world may seem against you, but you do your best to walk in peace. As Kathy said, it will be okay. Sweet Dreams.
*The websites in which these photos are found are not necessarily an endorsement from me, but mostly those photos found during a routine image search.